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| Written by celly
-- Wednesday, 12 July 2006 |
Before you go running off thinking that I have finally pulled the short straw from the decency bunch, hear me out. Cornhole is a game. Pretty much the easiest way to describe it is, horseshoes meets shuffleboard and the American desire to drink beer. If you know what cornhole is, then you already appreciate the humor and need for this shirt.
Cornhole is apparently the new [ Old? Not sure.. Sorry ] rage in Ohio. But recently, it has been branching out throughout the world of tailgating, and has now reared it's ugly head in Florida. I was introduced to it about 6 weeks ago when a friend of mine build a set of ACA [ American Cornhole Association ] spec playing boards. At first we were pretty damn sure he had lost his mind. Then about 8 hours later, 10 grown adults were arguing over who was the "Corn Hole King" and "Corn Hole Queen" .. [ Holy shit, I need to work on my social life.. ] Pretty much the game is pretty freaking fun, especially when you're just looking to relax and have a good time [ While Drinking Beer ] while spending time with your friends... [ While Drinking Beer ]
But because of the wack ass [ No pun intended ] name it's kind of a hard thing to talk to people about. I have already been beaten with a bible just for saying "cornhole" in front of my mother, and someone else gave me their phone number... [ Note: Sorry I never called yah Steve.. Been super busy this week.. Well that, and, I'm still super straight.. ] So I decided to pick myself up one of these shirts from CornholeEtc, and also show you a pic from last weekends game when a group of bikini models broke into a spontaneous game of cornhole...
Then we had an orgy..
Then I admitted to stealing images from the Internet and chopping them into a sexy cornhole image and fibbing about an orgy...
Then I was banned from Ohio...
Cost: $9.95 [USD / Fun Bags]
URL: www.CornholeEtc.com
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 12 July 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Wednesday, 28 June 2006 |
Ode To Pacman
To some, video games are a sport,
That are played on a couch court,
They spend all their day,
Wasting away,
While they shoot, blast and jump,
All while sitting on their rump.
An escape from their lives,
Or escape from their wives,
Their mind just slowly melts away,
As they try to escape the realities of everyday.
The games put them in a fantasy world,
From which their attentions can not be swirled.
In these far away places,
Filled with delusive faces,
Gamers live their quixotic lives,
All seen through jaded eyes.
But in the end the they have nothing to show,
When the virtual world hits a plateau,
Because the world they learned to love,
Is no more than buttons, a joystick, or a power glove.
Eh. Not my best, But, not my worst.. [ We all remember the David Hasselhoff incident of 03' .. yikes! ] -- Anyways, this ode was inspired by 'Heart o Pac' which is one of the freaking kick ass shirts over at TeeTonic. Our fuzzy Scottish friends over there have outdone themselves this time around with one of the best shirt stores I have seen in a while. I wish some of the American Shirt makers would jump over there for some inspiration -- Or at the least to take notes.. Notice how none of their shirts say dumb shit like "No Means Yes in Texas!" -- Exactly... [ Actually, if done right, that'd might be a funny shirt ] -- Regardless, exchange rates and shipping aside, some of these shirts are well worth springing the extra bucks..
[ Note: I don't know why I always vision Scottish people as being fuzzy... Odd, I know. So to help me change my bias's I gave them a hairless baby. Cheers! ]
Cost: 20£ [ Pound / Fuzzy Wuzzy's ]
URL: www.teetonic.com
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 28 June 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Wednesday, 26 April 2006 |
God bless dolphins. They put up with so much crap from humans... You know one of these days, one of them is going to jump out of the Tank at Sea World and grab some poor innocent little kid by the jugular. And honestly, I can't say that I blame them. Especially now that the secret is out about them being gay sharks.
You know, I always was suspicious about them, ever since I saw Flipper. Flipper was a bit too effeminate for my tastes... But it was the wardrobe that threw me.. Gray is so last fall.. No self respecting gay shark would be caught dead in gray in April.. What gives...
Cost: $15.00 [USD / Clams]
URL: www.threadpit.com
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 26 April 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Friday, 07 April 2006 |
If you ask any man who is over 50, and grew up in the US, they will tell you that when they were a kid they had a gun. It was pretty much second nature for any non urban kid to at least own a .22 if not a 410 or some 7mm WWI era rifle. You could order them by mail out of the back of "Boys Life", the Woolworth's catalog, or 100 other places with no real proof of age, or permission slip, or background check.. Guns were sorta viewed as toys, but you really never heard of stories of kids bringing guns to school and shooting them up like you do today... Is this because of the media? Do they glorify these events more now than in the 50's? Or is it that our youth are just out out their f'n minds now?
Actually, I think it is both. Today, if a kid brings a gun to school, no matter how insignificant the event is, it's headline news. But at the same time, kids today don't
know how to deal with their emotions and anger... Which isn't surprising, considering if you wear your emotions or anger on your sleeve they dope you up
with a cocktail of drugs to suppress you back into a stoic haze. Back then, people fought with their fists, and this is what controlled their emotions and rage... Now that the fist has been replaced with Ritalin, there are just extreme highs and lows for these poor kids, it's no wonder they are running around popping caps in everyone..
Anyways, wear this shirt as a constant reminder that right below that kids car seat could be a sawed-off or even an AK-47. And the next time you see some teeny-bopper girl walking around with a huge purse, it's because she is packing an Uzi or two... And those baggy pants, the have so much trouble keeping them up becuase of how heavy hand grenades are... [Yeah, it's hard to believe but the main influence of the fashion industry for the age group of 11-19 is Smith & Wesson.. It's true.. Google it...]
Cost: $11.99 [USD / MEDIC!]
URL: www.roadkilltshirts.com
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| Last Updated ( Friday, 07 April 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Wednesday, 05 April 2006 |
A good idea can be made a great idea just by how it is implemented. For instance, look at the Internet. It was designed to help inter-network the growing telecommunications networks of the world. Then, somewhere along the line, someone decided to throw up some pictures of naked ladies, and wallah! Overnight Success.. [Rumor has it, Al Gore was in fact the first person to post porn, hence how he invented the Internet..]
So, I saw this "Cops Lie" shirt a while ago. I kinda giggled, but figured that is was just not something that I'd risk wearing out in public. [It would kinda suck getting pulled over while wearing this... Like really, really suck... You might as well have two or three dead hookers in the trunk, while you're smoking crack, and a also have a broken tailight... Becuase their going to Kick your ass either way...] So, I passed it off and put it on my list of "Shirts for days when I have absolutely nothing to post about". But then, while browsing Autoblog yesterday, I found this gem of a picture, and instantly this shirt has now become a must-have for everyone.
This guy has BALLS! If this is a real picture, which after some research found out it's pretty authentic, then Kudos to Mr. Ohio! I'm very impressed. This just shows how you can take something that normally would be "eh.." and make it "Awesome!" just by changing the implementation, or doing something special with it. [Like how if Sharon Stone didn't 'uncross' her legs in Basic Instinct, no one would of ever heard of the film.. But she did, and we got a sequel.. an old wrinkled sequel... "Basic Instict II: Cob Webs and Crows Feet"]
Anyways, I'm going to order one of these, and wear it next time I have jury duty... If I'm not home by 10am that day, it'll be a miracle..
Cost: $19.99 [USD / 187 On a mf'n cop!]
URL: www.thestuntfactory.com
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 05 April 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Monday, 03 April 2006 |
First off, let me get something off my chest. In the past I have not been the biggest fan of Threadless tees. I understand they are trying to make a buck, but they do reprint to death some shirts. “The communist party” is on like a 5th reprint. Threadless shirts used to come off as something special to me. I felt like as soon as they came out I had to be the first to get it before it was gone... Now, I don't really have that worry, because as soon as they sell out a popular shirt, the slap that shit back on the press quicker than Chuck Norris can kunk-foo chop a rabid midget... [Chuck Norris + Midgets = Giggles, everytime.]
That being said, I must applaud the artists that submit shirts to the site. The amount of humor and creativity that comes out of some people that submit simply amazes me. This shirt in particular is just so simple but at the same time so classically great.
Pooping is clearly perceived as the most bashful of all human bodily functions. Yet, we all do it. Men, women, children, and even the evil monkey living in my closet. The fact that you take something so basic and taboo then add in political symbols makes it so this shirt can be seen as satire, political, political satire, scat, political scat, or even just good ol' fashion 'dick and fart' jokesque. Simply awesome.
Anyways, +1 for Threadless for printing this shirt. [But your still on my poo list...][HAH! I said poo...] and +Eleventy Billion for the artist. Good Job!
Cost: $15.00 [USD / Charmin]
URL: www.threadless.com
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| Last Updated ( Monday, 03 April 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Thursday, 30 March 2006 |
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wassabee!
[Insert sound of crickets, big f'n crickets...]
Sorry. I couldn't resist.. Anyways, The Ichthys symbol is one of the most common parodied symbols. Traditionally used to symbolize someones faith in Christianity, it is now used to exploit everything from hobbies, lack of faith, software [Freaking linux dorks...], or just another faith altogether. [Oh, but I've got to think twice, Before I give my heart away, And I know all the games you play, Because I play them too... -- What? Too soon for George Michal Humor? Perhaps I agree.. Sorry... ] It's just a fun symbol to play around with. And seeing how most people don't know / care what it means, so you don't have to worry about Denmark being invaded if you slap one on your car.
So what did they do here? Graphical Irony. Genius! This is what I like to call "Multi-Thought Humor", It takes 2 thoughts to get the joke. And if people don't get it, you instantly know that they are a moron! Yay!
The best part about this shirt is the pick up line potential:
Her: "What does your shirt mean..."
You: "It means I'm waiting for you with baited breath..."
[Insert sound of world's loudest crickets here...]
Cost: $15.95
Url: www.tshirtsthatsuck.com
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| Last Updated ( Thursday, 30 March 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Wednesday, 29 March 2006 |
It's not that I hate kids... Okay, I'm lying, I do hate kids... But only other peoples kids, and any of mine that I don't know about.. [Seriously, who are we kidding, my fish have 6 tails and swim in circles all day chanting 'I like pizza...' -- I should be safe..] Okay, some kids are alright in small doses.. Like when they are sleeping, or like when they poop all over someone and you get a good laugh out of it... But the rest of the time, those miserable little bastards make life hell for the rest of us.
Overall I think that the media and Hollywood are glorifying child birth, mostly because the easiest way to get higher ratings, sell more records, and make more at the box office is to have more people, right?... This in return fuels the fire for people [Who really shouldn't be reproducing] to start popping out babies left and right... Each time bringing another little DNA pool polluting time bomb into this world... I can't remember the the last time I heard a story about a normal human being brought into this world.. "Little Timmy is allergic to fabrics used in American cars...", "Little Joey he has three testicles.. On each thumb...", "Baby Jody was born with 72 extra teeth...", "My daughter Barbra was born with a tail..." and so on.. and so on... News flash: ... We don't freaking care! ... So stop talking about it..
Actually, perhaps I don't hate kids... Perhaps I just hate parents? Huh?
So, This is where Aeon Tee's comes into the picture. This shirt is a pun off the PARENTAL ADVISORY labels made famous by 2 Live Crew and overused by the Republicans and Walmart.. [Seriously Walmart, Parental advisory on Avenged Sevenfold? Seriously? You out of your mind? Seriously..] Clearly a well designed statement... On red... Spelled correctly... And it comes with 2 scoops of STFU for eager parents... Very nicely done...
Note: We need another version of this shirt that says "Parental Advisory: Shut up about your kids!" or "Parental Advisory: Your kids suck!" -- That'd be awesome...
Cost: $15.00 [USD / Broken Condoms]
URL: www.aeontees.com
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 29 March 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Thursday, 09 March 2006 |
 The Donkey Punch, The Strawberry Shortcake, The Flailing Dragon, The Bronco Ride, The Fish Hook, The Fish Eye, The Got Milk, The Abe Lincon, The Spit and Flip, The Motorboat, The Snowball, The Dirty Sanchez, The Tony Danza, The Cleveland Steamer, The Jelly Donut, and the best of all The Shocker...
[ For more info on 'The Tony Danza' Please refer to Wikipedia. ]
Cost: $16.00 [USD / Yo! Angela's]
URL: www.cracksmokingshirts.com
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| Last Updated ( Thursday, 09 March 2006 ) |
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| Written by celly
-- Wednesday, 01 March 2006 |
 Usually god only speaks to me in my Alphabet's cereal. Who knew, now he is doing t-shirts. Now only if he came out with some witty bumper stickers, like:
“Gas, Grass, or Ass – no one prays for free”
“Keep honking, I'm repenting...”
“PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Atheists”
Ahhh, I guess a boy can only dream. Until then, you're screwed.
Cost: $15.00 [USD / Hail Mary's]
URL: www.blackjesusshirts.com
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 01 March 2006 ) |
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